


the truth journals

by morehappythanot



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Diary/Journal, Fanfiction, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, emphasis on the fiction, i dont know how to write happy endings, im sorry, this is sad fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 03:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8873755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morehappythanot/pseuds/morehappythanot
Summary: I think Derek might be gay. I had to think for a long time to even remember the word for it, but I think that is the one. Gay. I keep catching him staring at me. He keeps telling me what constellations he can find in my freckles. He says I have Cassiopeia on my cheek and Andromeda on my wrist.





	

**Author's Note:**

> written as an original for a class, edited to be a fanfic. the original is on my profile on my wattpad. however as it was supposed to be an original there are some things that are definitely not close to canon (mainly just the lack of contraction use)
> 
> (this is an au so they are about fifteen/like underclassmen in high school)
> 
> warnings for homophobia and mentions of death (check end notes for more specific warnings if you're concerned)

WARNING: None of what you are about to read is the truth. Well it is truth, it is just my truth. Which is a little different than The Truth. So I do not swear that I will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because I do not know it. I know what I have experienced and what I have witnessed. These journals you are about to read are from when my reality was altered. I cannot tell you that these will include all that is The Truth, because at the time I did not know it. I still cannot tell you for fact that I know it now, but this is my truth. Enjoy.

__________

Day 8.  
I have been at this place for a week now. I do not remember the first few days of my experience here but I have met a boy. He is really nice and his name is pretty. Derek. His skin does not have nearly as many blemishes as mine. When we were at the campfire one night he told me to look up. I did not know why he would want me to do so. I asked him. 

“It looks like your arms,” he said before running the pad of his thumb over the freckles on my forearm. I felt a blush starting to rise on my cheeks and the tips of my ears but thought nothing of it.

“The stars?”

“Yeah,” he said and waited a long moment before speaking again. “You have the galaxy on your skin. That’s pretty cool.”

“I have never thought of it that way before.” And that was that.

We are not supposed to spend much time with the other boys at camp. Derek does not listen to that rule though. He looks for me every time they bring us all together. I do not know how he can find me so easily since I am the same height as everyone else. I should ask him that.

Day 9.  
It is my hair. That is what Derek told me. Well, not exactly. His exact words were, “You’re the only one here with red hair. It’s easy to see,” but the meaning is still the same. 

We went canoeing today and the dress code was swim trunks and tank tops. I am not sure why we have swim trunks with us if they will not even let us swim in the big pool but I did not want to ask.

I noticed Derek had a patch of skin that was darker on his upper left arm. I thought maybe I was wrong about my previous comment that his skin does not have as many blemishes as mine. I asked him about it when we were at meal and he said it was a tattoo. I have never met someone so young with a tattoo before. He is my age, fifteen.

He caught me staring at it at the campfire tonight. He locked eyes with me as a smile slipped onto his face before he looked back into the flames. They let us have s’mores tonight. Told us we had been good today.

Day 10.  
I am still not sure why they gave us these journals. On the eighth day here we were handed them along with a pen. I leave mine under my pillow in my single bunk cabin when I go out for the day. I hope they do not read our journals. I would not want for them to find out about Derek and me. Derek is the only person I have felt comfortable with here. I do not want him to be taken from me.

Day 11.  
I am tired. I am also confused. I mentioned previously that I do not remember the first few days of camp and now I cannot even remember why I am here. I asked Derek why he was here. He shrugged and told me his parents said it would be fun. I wanted to ask if he was enjoying himself but that seemed too personal. 

Day 12.  
I think Derek might be gay. I had to think for a long time to even remember the word for it, but I think that is the one. Gay. I keep catching him staring at me. He keeps telling me what constellations he can find in my freckles. He says I have Cassiopeia on my cheek and Andromeda on my wrist.

Day 13.  
It started raining tonight. We all had to run back into the meal area to keep from getting too wet. I am glad that the grass will not crunch underneath my feet tomorrow as this drought ends but I was freezing. I was sitting at one of the tables in the back when I saw Derek start to come my way. His t-shirt was clinging to the front of his body and his curls were sticking to his forehead.

“Why are you back here alone?” he asked, leaning back in his chair and making himself comfortable beside me.

“It is warmer back here.”

“You could just ask to go back to your cabin for the night,” he said. “But I’d much prefer you stayed here with me.”

I stayed.

Day 14.  
I overheard one of the adults saying how we have reached the halfway point. I do not know what they meant by that. Are we only here for fourteen more days? I hope not. I would like to get to know Derek for longer than that. 

Day 15.   
I brought my journal out to break with me today. That is where I am now. Derek just spotted me sitting against this tree. He is walking over here now.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” I say.

He asked to borrow my pen after that. I did not know what for. He wrote ten numbers on one of the back pages of my journal. He said that when he is gone he would like for me to try and call that number. He said he would want to know where I am. 

I am writing this last part from my cabin, as I usually do.

Day 16.  
I remember my dad talking about gay people once when I was younger. He kept on talking about hell and damnation. He was really drunk after a bad day at work. I wonder if he really meant it, if he still feels that way. 

Derek is nice. I wonder if he would like Derek. 

Day 17.  
It rained all day today.

The only thing they had for us to do was play board games. Derek walked over to me with the Monopoly board game in hand. He chose the thimble to play as and I chose the shoe. Neither of us knew how to play correctly so we spent the day just going around the board. It should have been boring but Derek kept cracking jokes.

I keep thinking about my friends back home. I do not have any recent memories with them I can remember. At least not within the last year. Are they mad at me? Did I do something? I cannot remember.

Day 18.   
It was raining still when I woke up this morning. I assumed that we would just be doing the same thing as yesterday but I was wrong. They told us to wear our nicest clothes we had brought. For most of us that was a Polo short sleeve shirt and khaki pants. I do not remember packing these clothes but I recognize them from home.

When we got to the meal hall, they told us we were going to learn to be men today. I did not know what qualified as a man this morning and I am not sure I know what does now. They kept on talking about how to treat girls when we go on dates with them. I secretly forgot that girls even existed.

All of the things they kept on having us do were tedious. They taught us how to pull out a chair for a girl. I do not understand how that is what makes someone a man.

They kept on emphasizing that the people we would be going on dates with would be girls. I do not see why they were doing that. I wonder how that made Derek feel.

Day 19.  
I got a letter from my mom today. She said she cannot wait to see my “new self” when I come home from camp. I do not know what she means by that. I am the same person as I was when I came here.

The other boys have been getting letters from their parents. I wonder if Derek has gotten one.

Day 20.  
Derek said he got a letter from his dad. I asked if his dad said anything weird in it. He just said that his dad said his usual dad stuff. I asked if he felt like was becoming a different version of himself from this camp. Instead of answering he slipped on a small smile and said, “You sure are asking a lot of questions today.”

“I am just confused,” I said.

“About what?”

“Why are we here? Why am I here? Are we changing from being here? Am I different than two weeks ago? How? It has only been two weeks.”

“Breathe for a second.” I did not realize I was out of breath until he mentioned it. I stared into his eyes as I breathed in deeply for five seconds and exhaled for six, making sure to count them. He looked concerned and his body was tense. As I calmed down he seemed to relax.

“I think you’ve changed a little. I don’t think you would’ve asked me all those questions two weeks ago.”

“But am I a different person?”

“Your name is still Will isn’t it? And you still have Andromeda on your wrist and Cassiopeia on your cheek,” he said this while running the pad of his thumb over both places like he did the night he pointed out my galaxy skin. “And you still have your red hair. You’re more open but you’re not an entirely different person.”

“Thanks,” I said, aware my cheeks were likely red enough to match my hair.

“No problem, we should probably go back before they notice us missing for long though.”

I am really glad I have Derek.

Day 21.  
I keep on remembering things about back home. I do not know why I had forgotten all of these things. I am starting to remember a boy with blond hair and green eyes. His eyes are darker than Derek’s.

Day 22.  
Derek pointed out today that I do not use contractions. The conversation went something like this.

“Why don’t you ever use contractions?”

“Contractions?”

“Yeah, contractions. Like don’t, can’t, won’t, et cetera.”

“It seems lazy to talk like that.” He huffed in response to this as if to express his discontent with how I viewed it but did not argue.

Day 23.  
We went to church today. We have been going to church twice a week since being here. 

Today was the first time memorable enough to talk about it. Most of the sermon today talked about gay people. I felt bad for Derek. I noticed him tense beside me. I wanted to comfort him but did not want to get in trouble. I leaned closer to him just a little bit so he would remember I was there. He seemed to relax a bit but not completely.

He did not really feel like talking today. We spent a lot of time in silence.

Day 24.  
Derek was better today. He seemed a little happier but I saw how his smile did not quite reach his eyes. I wish I could make him feel better.

Day 25.  
I asked Derek if he thought we were leaving soon. He seemed to think about this for a moment. After what must have been at least a minute he looked me in the eye and said, “You have my number in your journal still, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well if we do leave soon, I don’t think I’ll mind.”

“Why?”

“I’d like to think you’d call me afterwards. Will you?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, if we are leaving soon I hope to hear from you afterwards,” he said this with a smile. It reassured me. It made me feel less scared of losing him.

Day 26.  
Nothing interesting happened today.

Day 27.  
Derek kissed me.

His lips were soft and tasted like cherry, like he just put some chapstick on. I did not know how to react at first. I pressed my lips back into his. We were in the woods so nobody could see us. We kissed each other again and again for a long time. Like we had just made this amazing discovery of this new thing. (“It is called kissing and let me just tell you it is amazing.” “Sir that has been around forever.”) 

I would like to kiss Derek again I think. I would really like to kiss Derek again.

Day 28.  
Derek is gone.

Day 29.  
I was too upset yesterday to elaborate. I am back home. Shortly after I realized Derek was gone my parents came. I do not remember any of the ride back home. I believe I fell asleep but I am not sure.

I miss him. It has been a day and I already miss him. I want to call the number he wrote in the back of my journal but I am afraid he will not answer. Or it will be someone besides him and I will freak.

I want to be able to talk to Derek. I miss him.

Day 30.  
I looked up the area code. We never talked about where we lived. We were not allowed to.

The area code was from Manhattan. It makes sense he lives in New York. He does not live too far from me. Maine is only seven hours north. I wonder if I will ever see him again. I really hope I do.

Day 31.  
I have come to the realization that Derek is important to me. I realize also that this should have been apparent to me. It would probably be obvious for anyone who would be reading this. I still miss him.

Day 32.  
I tried to call the number Derek gave me today. No one picked up. I hung up before the operating machine would allow me to leave a message. However, I stayed on the line long enough to hear Derek say that it is his answering machine. I never learned his last name. Derek Nurse. It is an easy name to remember. Of course his name is memorable. It matches the fact that I have not been able to get him out of my head since the last time I saw him.

Day 33.  
He picked up today. It was nice to hear his voice even though it had not even been a week. He was glad to hear from me finally. He said when he saw the Maine area code that he hoped it was me. That made me happy.

Day 34.  
I think I like Derek. I think I might be gay.

Day 35.  
I was going through my desk drawers today. I found a picture of me with a boy. He looks like the one I started to remember at camp. The one with blond hair and green eyes darker than Derek’s. He is pretty but Derek is prettier.

The picture is recent, could not have been much before I left for camp.

Day 36.  
I am remembering more about the boy. I keep thinking I have a memory of us kissing but it is fuzzy and unclear. I do not know how to feel about that. It does not make sense.

Day 37.  
Derek and I have been texting nonstop. I cannot say I am complaining. It is like having him with me at all times, just like camp.

I have not been talking to my parents much since I got home. This is normal though. They are used to me keeping to myself. I am used to them mainly talking to me at meals and leaving me alone at other times.

Day 45.  
It has been a while since my last journal entry. I am afraid they are going to become more and more infrequent. School is starting and most of my free time is dedicated to talking to Derek. I am still confused about the blond boy.

Day 53.  
I have been quite alone at school recently. I wonder if I used to spend time with blond boy. I wonder where he went. It is starting to bother me that I cannot remember these things. The fact that I cannot remember most of what happened around the start of camp is bothering me. 

Day 61.  
Derek has started texting me less often. I assume it is just the fact that he is busy at school. I realize this could be seen as clingy. He probably has other friends besides me. It is not his fault that I do not have many friends outside of him.

Day 70.  
Derek has gotten more selective of when he texts me. He says it has something to do with his parents. I want to believe it is not me being annoying. I want to believe him.

Day 76.  
Derek and I have been texting more lately. Not as much as at the beginning but it is still enough to not make me question myself. I am glad to have someone like Derek.

Day 78.  
I texted Derek about twenty-five minutes ago to ask if he had a good day. He texted back fifteen minutes ago with just one word. “Hospital.” He must have assumed that would send me into panic. He sent another text before I could form a reply, “It’s okay, I just got hit by a car.” I do not know how he thought that would make me feel any better about the situation. Is that some kind of New York thing to be so nonchalant about?

Day 79.  
Derek forgot to specify that when he got hit by a car he was also in a car. I cannot tell if that makes it better or worse. He said that most of the damage that was done was a broken leg and a few ribs. He is going into surgery in a couple of days for something I could not understand. Something with his lungs I think. He says there is a possibility they will mess up and screw him up. I am trying to write that off in my mind as something every doctor says before surgery, there is still that part in my head that is scared though.

Day 80.  
Because of the fact that Derek needs to stay at the hospital, we have been texting a lot more lately. I am glad about this. He has still been seeming kind of tense. I hope everything goes well tomorrow.

Day 81.  
I still have not heard from Derek since he went in for surgery. I am going to try to go to bed early tonight. I will not be able to sleep until Derek texts me back if I do not go to bed early. I hope Derek is fine.

Day 82.  
Derek still has not responded to me. I try to tell myself that the only reason is because they realized he had a concussion and is not allowed to use electronics.

Day 85.  
I could not take it anymore. It had been too long without a reply. I searched his name in Google and tried to see if anything even related to him popped up. All I could find was some actor. I tried searching, “Derek Nurse died.” When I did I found a FaceBook post from what looked to be his mom from three days ago.

I still do not want to believe what I found.

Day 90.  
I think I am going to stop journaling. This entire thing is just a reminder of Derek. I still do not want to believe it.

___________

Looking back on it now I guess these journals do contain some of The Truth. Just because those truths are mine does not mean it is any less truthful. To me my truths are The Truth, I guess that should be enough. If that is not enough for you I am sorry. I would have liked to have seen these journals have a happy ending myself, but that is not how it works. I wish it was. I wish Derek was still here. I miss him.

**Author's Note:**

> // implied unaccepting parents, implied but never really addressed conversion camp (it's not labelled as that but it is implied), car crash resulting in major injury, death // (i think those are all the warnings but tell me if i missed anything)
> 
> if you have gotten this far, thank you for reading you can find me on tumblr (jsakvaltersen) or on twitter (morehappythanot)


End file.
